"Do not depend on the hope of results. When you are doing the sort of work you have taken on, you may have to face the fact that your work may be apparently worthless and even achieve no results at all, if not perhaps the oppisite of what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not of the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. And there too a great deal has to be gone through, as gradually you struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. The range tends to narrow down, but it gets much more real. In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything."

~Thomas Merton

The BF shared this passage with me before I left, and, during my time here, I am growing into realizing how true it really is. Ideas and ideals are beautiful and important, but mean nothing unless they can be translated to real people and real experiences. Being in a place like Pannai magnifies this reality. There were so many things that I hoped to accomplish, changes that I had hoped to bring to this place. And I've made some progress. I have reported abuses that i have seen, gotten some classes into the library, read to the kids and got them more excited about books. What my Western mind sees as "accomplishments", though, somehow don't seem as important as all of the time I've been able to spend with people. Hanging out with the girls during study time, talking with the women, carrying the babies around. It's not something that I can really explain, just more of a feeling. When Vatsala, the principal, introduces me, she says, "This is Chincy. She was here two years ago and she loves us so much that she came back again." I try to remember that and live up to it amidst feeling tired and dirty and and a little lonely all the time. This is starting to sound like a college admission essay, so I'm going to leave it at that.

Things have been characteristically full of highs and lows over the past several days. I am not sick anymore, and there was finally a break in the heat, so the days are much more bearable. The latest wildlife news here at the orphanage is that three huge, allegedly poisonous snakes were found. They killed them and then burned them. I don't know what I expected them to do with dead snakes, but burning them seems very...biblical.

The big project I have been working on recently is the Primary School library, which I didn't even know existed. That's right. From at least the time I was here two years ago to now, the kids' library has been full of books, and locked. I can not think of anything more draconian that denying children access to age-approitate books. Books that have been donated in good faith by volunteers and well-wishers. We have also painted designs on the walls and bought some brightly colored pillows so they can lounge around and read. There is also a playroom with toys that I have never seen unlocked.

The concern is that if you let a class in there they will just go crazy and destroy everything. Their reason they get so excited is that they never see the stuff and no one seems to be willing to teach them how to use it properly. Enter me. Great! I'll make this my little project. Go in during the school day and take classes to the library, read to them, explain some simple rules, and show the teachers that it is easy to make the library a part of the school day. Nope! It's "impossible", people tell me, because they are in testing all this week and will have no time to go to the library. Because I am leaving next Wed., this will prove to be a challenge. I will see what I can do. It is just so frustrating that something that seems so logical and helpful to me is met with so much resistance.

Otherwise, things just keep moving along. I'm excited to spend some more time with the nursery kids this week. My mom sent a package with some big crayons and I can't wait to see their little faces when I give them to the kids.

I should be going. Thanks for all of the e-mails and letters. It makes me feel much closer to home to be able to communicate so much.

Hello. The past couple of days have been a little rough I started feeling really sick on Monday, and ended up spending the day in my room. That alone is frustrating, because I only have a finite amount of time here and don't want to waste it. At a time that I just wanted to chill, people kept coming in and insisting I eat. I wanted to scream, "this food will not make me feel better! This food is the problem!" Yesterday I was still not feeling great, but this group from America is here for three days so i had to play tour guide. they are fun, though, and showing them around helped keep my mind off the crazy churning in my stomach. Today I am feeling better. I am pretty much okay as long as I don't eat too much and drink lots of water. Also, a lizard fell into my hair.

Not to continue being a downer, but I am noticing more and more this pervasive undercurrent of violence here. Yesterday in the dining hall, I saw one of the wardens (a women who lives there and is sort of in charge) take her stick and hit a plate out of the hands on another woman while yelling at her in front of the kids. I went up to her and asked why she did it. She said something about her not giving this baby a bath often enough, and I said that that is something that should be talked about, and hitting her plate was completely unnecessary. We went back an forth for a while until I just told her that she was being awful and left. They know not to do this in front of the volunteers, but we also see mothers hitting their kids. Not a 'you are being naughty so I'm giving you a little tap on the tush'. The kids just stand there and get smacked. And lots of the kids are rough with each other, because that is the only way that they have been taught to deal with conflict. It is a very sad situation without an easy solution. I have reported it and try to stop it whenever I see it, but that doesn't guarantee anything. It's just so hard to see a place that I really care about with such a culture of violence.

So that is the bad news. The good news is that I am trying to continue to stay open to all of the experiences that await me. And remind myself that difficult is different than impossible, that no one promised me this would be easy. And I am still doing okay. There continue to be enough stories, hugs and shared experiences to make being here seem worthwhile.

Well, things are unpredictable here, as always. One of the volunteers, Drew, and all of the British people left this morning. It was lively with them here, but I am really looking forward to a more focused experience now. I'm feeling so much more integrated into the community here. I can't walk 10 feet without one of the kids or women stopping me to talk, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

The crummy news is that my camera is missing. And i am feeling doubly stupid because all of my pictures from Alaska are on the camera, too, instead of safe on my computer at home. I was starting to get upset, when my favorite girl, Sarynia, took my hand and led me to the dining room to have tea and talk with her. She wants me to take her home in my bag, and I absolutely wish that I could.

I was still feeling upset and down when we went to the "goodbye show" that the kids presented for the British people. All of the girls were wearing their Sunday Best, these terribly miss matched sparkly outfits. They were gorgeous. Every one of the children was a part of some song or dance. As I watched them perform and applaud for each other, I felt this sense of peace sneak up on me. Just this feeling that it is out of my hands, and if I find it, awesome, and if I don't, I don't. it sucks and it's frustrating but it's not Everything.

Some of you have asked about my 'typical day', which does not exist. But I'll give it a shot. I wake up around 7, take a shower, pretend to eat breakfast, then sneak back to my room for a granola bar. Then I walk to the senior school with some of the kids. There I will teach a class or two. I'll have them write or talk in English, or go outside for some creative movement. I'll also help Vatsala, the Principal (and one of my favorite people on earth) type some e-mails. Then it's back to the orphanage for lunch. During the afternoon, I pop in and out of the lower school classes and read to the kids, or do rhymes and poems with them. This is a challenge, since most of the little ones only speak Tamil, but I am still novel to them so they pay attention. After school, I will 'rest my eyes' or go into the nursery and play with the babies for a while. In the evenings, I will sometimes go to prayer with them, and usually help the girls with their evening study, which goes on forever. They are definatley of the mindset that quantity of time spent studying is more important than quality, and will not budge on this notion. Believe me, I've tried. I work with the older students during this time or read to the little ones. The little ones have no teacher so they're expected to just sit in a room quietly doing nothing, which is absurd, so i try to give them at least a little stimulation.

This may seem counter intuitive, considering that I am a teacher, but I feel much more useful at the orphanage than the school. I like taking classes but there is this that there is only so much I can teach in a month. I feel that the time that I spend with the orphans is much more rewarding, for them and for me.

All for now...congratulations to Sally on her wedding and Julie for singing the National Anthem at Wrigley. Yea!

A lot has been happening the last few days. If you have e-mailed me and I haven't responded yet, it is because the power here has been off quite a bit lately. But I will get to it.

We spent Saturday night in Mahalibalipurum, the seaside town I visited with Kerri 2 years ago. It was good to get away for a night, to eat some good food and read on the beach. What was most surprising to me is how glad I was to get back to the orphanage, after the 3 hour skeleton-rattling bus ride. It was great to see the kids and see how excited they were that we were back.

The heat here the last few days had been amazing. I put my alarm clock/ thermometer outside one day and is said it was over 120 degrees. I'm not sure how accurate that is, but I do know that I sweat constantly and my hair feels like hay. I'm looking real cute these days. The terrifying part about this heat, though, is that a certain creature loves the heat and comes out of the ground to enjoy it. I am talking about scorpions. Yep. Huge, poisonous, angry scorpions. I was playing with the kids yesterday and all of a sudden they were everywhere, right by where the kids were playing. People braver than me very matter-of-factly smashed them with bricks. They seem to have gone home after yesterday's rain, but I'm keeping and eye out.

In happier news, I have been able to teach more classes. I really love reading to the little ones during evening study. getting a bedtime story should be a fundamental human right, and I'm sad that they go most nights without it.

Last night, we visited nearby villages and ran into a funeral procession and the preparations for a wedding. We went to the villages that some of the kids at school come from, and they were so excited to show us thier houses. We also visited Sarah, a student in 7th grade. Her mother had leprosy a number of years ago, and lost both of her legs and her fingers. They have lived in poverty since her father died. When we arrived, she was shelling nuts to give to us to welcome us to her home. I think the beauty of this gesture goes without explanation.

I am doing much better, and they days are full. Having the students from England is nice because we get to tag along with their excursions and do things I wouldn't normally be able to do.

I hope everyone is doing great.

Hi. Now that I've been here a few days I'm starting to settle in, but it has been a really tough transition. I had one of those "Why in the world did I decide to do this by myself again?!" freakout moments. But as these past days have unfolded into a few tiny answers to that question. I'm still not totally convinced that this was the right thing to do, but here I am, so I just have to go for it.



Most of the kids and women here recognised me, and seemed surprised to see me because I guess they aren't kept up to date about what volunteers are coming and when. It was also great to see the women living here. I'd really like to spend some more time just being with them, in spite of the significant language barrier.



There are 14 students(16 years old) and 3 teachers here from England for two weeks. They have been living with host families and are moving into the orphanage today. It will be nice to have more people around, and the food is better when they're here. They are taking the orphanage's bus to Mahailbalipurum, the little seaside town Kerri and I visited in 2006. The other volunteers and I are going to get a ride with them, and then do our own thing when we get there. It seems too early to be leaving for the weekend, but I feel like I need to take advantage of these opportunities as they come.

In case you were dying of curiosity, sending a letter to India costs 94 cents and takes about a week to get here. I know this because I just got a letter from my lovely sister. Thanks Melissa! As you can see, I also have good access to the Internet, so e-mail is an option, too. This wealthy woman from the UK donated computers and internet. She probably didn't think American volunteers would be wasting time updating their blogs when she donated all this money to an orphanage, but here I am anyway.

I hope everyone is doing great. I'm hanging in there, and am hoping things will get better soon!

I made it.

So I made it. India's really just a hop, skip, and a jump away. I was so relived to see the driver from the orphanage, Doss, waiting for me at the airport after so many hours of travel. I could have kissed him. But I didn't. It was dark when I got here and made myself stay awake during the three hour Jeep ride to see the day dawn on my new, albeit temporary, home. The sky was lovely, but I must have blocked out all those frightening memories of creative driving and not having a seatbelt. Also, we may have hit a cat. But there are some pictures of Jesus taped to the dashboard, so that tends to help

It is so strange to be back here. It's like that Paul Simon lyric, "Nothing's different, but everything's changed." I was worried that the kids wouldn't remember me, but they did. They were shy at first but then started to open up more. I'm really looking forward to just hanging out with them again. I'm not sure what official assignments I will have at the school yet, but we will figure that out after my nap.

I met the other volunteers here, Drew and Johanna. They are my age and were friends before they came here. I'm hoping that we can travel a little on a weekend or at least boop into town every now and then together.

At morning assembly this morning they were doing this ceremonial flag raising and one of the teachers kept saying to me "come, come!" "Um...come where?" It turns out they wanted me to unfurl the Indian flag. The special thing is that the flag was tangled in a nearby tree with these beautiful, daffodil-like flowers on full bloom. So when I pulled on the rope, a flurry of yellow pedals came tumbling down on my head and shoulders. I'm taking that moment as a sign of good things to come.